Its hard to cut the apron strings!

Today and yesterday have been difficult and overwhelmingly emotional rollercoasters. Yesterday, after months of deliberation, came to the final decision that Reuben needs to live with his dad. Well that was fine until the crunch... I just lost it. Sobbed like no one has sobbed before! I couldnt go through with it. I couldnt just let him go.

My friend Katrina came over last night and stayed until midnight talking with me. Showing me the great things that "might" come of this change for Reuben and I and Steve. Eventually, 1. Reuben and I will be able to have a positive relationship, like Krystyl and I do now. 2. This might help Steve turn around as a father and step up to the plate and wear the responsibility. So far so good, he is happy to have Reuben, he is even going to give him his bedroom. 3. Reuben will learn that he cant go on treating women badly. 4. I can start to find me again. I started this when I left steve, but have fallen backwards since Reuben has become difficult. There are many many reasons that will benefit us with this change but all I have been able to see is negatives. How easily, the negatives can creep in.

I found this poem today, it really means so many things...

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t mean security
you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
accepting your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child
and you learn to build all of your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
after awhile you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
and you learn
that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and that you really do have worth
- anonymous

I have printed it out and will laminate it to sit near my kitchen, maybe on the fridge.

I need to remember the 3 last things, I can endure... I am strong and I do have worth!

I love my boy and Im not really letting him go. Its just that he is sleeping in another bed in a house not too far away.

Anyway, thats me for now. Its been another emotional day and Im just worn out.

Bye...

I have a cold!

Oh Damn... I hate colds and flus and sickness. I did 2 hours work at the local school on monday. A boy who was sick, coughed on me... instantly I thought "Oh great!" By Thursday 1am I was feeling the effects of it. Thank god its not the flu! Thank god for panadol and asprin and cups of tea!

Another card!

I really like the colours on this tag. I did it yesterday.

Movies today:

Today Reuben and I went to see the new Pirates in Caribean. I liked it but the ending... well there wasnt one! We have to wait til the 3rd one now. It was really slow to start with but it got going and was great (I think the first one was better tho!).

Reuben: Is it time he lives with his dad? Hmmmm! Not sure. He says he would like to live with him but Im just not sure how it would go. Right now it is just ok but I know soon it wont be with Reuben and I. I know he will lose it again and go off. I honestly dont know how much more verbal abuse I can live with. Anyway, time will tell.

Uni: I cant believe how sick of uni I am. I could easily not go back. I wish I didnt have to. I wish I had studied earlier so I wouldn't have to do it now. I just have to remember that its only 13 weeks. Its not that long really. I can get through it... I can do it!!! I will do it!!! 

Up Early at 2am... AGAIN!!!

So here I sit... School goes back this week. Yay! The term starts all over again. I really needed this holiday after last semester at uni. Prac really took it out of me as did the disorganised courses and assignments. Needless to say, for the first time since I started studying, Im not looking forward to going back. I know I have to keep going, quitting is not an option. It is so nice just being at home and not thinking about essays and readings!

I dont know why Im not sleeping. Yes I do... the stress of Reubs, not knowing how much longer I can have him here. He is 14 in september and getting so big and strong. I'm very tired of being treated like his personal doormat. Did I allow this to happen? I have to go and find out today about getting some respite but it depends on funding! Everything depends on funding!!!

Yesterday, I went to see Kathy. She is such a lovely woman. Her son died about 4 weeks ago... I cant believe how that time has flown. She is handling it so well. She says, that her son wouldnt want them to be standing still, he would have wanted them to keep living and moving forward. She showed me her pages she has started in the last few days. Introducing her to scrapbooking was the one of the best things I could have done. It has helped her through so many other stress related issues, e.g. work.

After visiting Kathy, Reuben and I went to Allison's for lunch. I cant believe we actually got there. Reuben was mucking around, not getting ready. I had to threaten that the computer (laptop) is a priveledge and I would take it away if he didnt get moving. Can't get him into the shower... then I can't get him out of it! Im sure its a boy thing!!! Maybe a teenager thing, Katrina can get her daughter (16) into the shower but she takes forever too.

Lunch with Allison was great. It was only Reuben and I there for lunch but boy she went all out to make it look fabulous for our sandwiches. I am just not an entertainer... but hey instead of beating myself up about it... Im going to embrace it. I dont have to be an entertainer and perhaps once uni is over and I have more money when Im working as a teacher, I can learn to entertain.

Made this today

Saturday - Today has been a relaxing day. Reuben has been happy and quiet. We played cluedo and hangman together at Reuben's request. He's hardly been on the laptop today at all. After the games I made this card.

Its a 2peas font: Ocean cross. I printed the letters out and then cut them out... next time I think I will just print them onto the card stock. I do like the layering look tho, altho you cant see it on the card.

I cant believe another day has come and gone.  

Up Too Early

Well here I am, 2.24am! I hate waking early. You try to lay there. The eyes are willing as they are closed but the brain... oh no... the brain is ticking over. I have had a cuppa tea and a couple of arrowroot bickies and checked my email. Nothing much happening right now... Gypsy is in my bed, fast asleep. Reuben is in his bed with the fan on but fast asleep. Anton... well he went out last night and didnt come home... he is such a cat... just doing whatever he pleases... or is that male thing?

Nine msn... has a picture of a petrol bowser with a caption "Missiles hit oil prices"! OMG I hope petrol doesnt go up too high or I wont be able to afford to drive anywhere.

I went to Katrina's last night after I dropped Reuben off. We had a cuppa tea. She was expecting Billy to come over and see her new car, an Elantra. He finally came and brought his new baby, Bailey. A little male staffy. So cute and he still had puppy breath.

Steve rang while I was there and asked me what was happening with Reuben and the money from the game he returned. Wow, maybe there is hope that he will become a decent person and a caring parent.

Anyway, thats all for now.

Todays Layout

2002 - Love that smile. Its very basic but Im happy with how it turned out. I even used my own handwriting. I couldnt believe how long it took me to get this Layout going. Finding embellishments for boys is hard. The small black letters I found at kmart (rubons). The "smile" word is done with MM paints and stencil stamps.

I do love that smile! 

Just found this Layout

I want to go back and case this Layout one day soon.

Its a great photo and I love the journaling.

http://www.scrapjazz.com/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=141029

Maroons Won State of Origin!!!

Oh Wow, I cant believe how close it came. I actually thought that Qld was going to lose but they came back. The commentators said to watch the Queenslanders because they had done it before and they did it!!! Go Queenslanders!!!! Go you good things!!!! The look on their faces was wonderful. They hadn't won for four years! Its been a long L O N G time!

 

Anton in July

This is a photo of Anton today in the back yard. I took about 16 photos but loved this one the most. I love the how the sunlight really warms the photo. 

What was I thinking???

OMG!!! Yes... what was I thinking! Getting Reuben another Rat... gosh what a mistake. However, Reuben loved him and the rat, Whiskers, loved him. He would just sit for hours on Reubens shoulder. He was a lovely rat really but just smelly!!! Very smelly. While he was little not so much but then we got another rat for him to have a friend rat and keep him company when we are not home and thats when the smell increased. Sadly, Whiskers died a few months back when he got out of his cage at Reuben's dad's house and a cat got him. Needless to say, Reuben was devastated! Rest in peace Whiskars! 

Big Brother Ousting

OMG!!! Massive problem in the house. Jon and Ash went against BB rules and now they are out. Camilla is upset, the whole house is upset. Im glad Big Brother said "No More!" and so he should have. Its great to see how people behave but I think Big Brother contestants take it way too far and Big Brother allows them to get away with it. I didnt watch it last year as a protest for the previous year's garbage that went on. Its just not right, nor is it real but I guess if it makes money I guess the channel executives dont care so much! 

Sleeping Angel

This is my daughter when she was 3. We were living in Grafton in a little 2 bedroom flat. I loved this time of my life. However, there were times with this little girl that I thought we wouldnt get through it. Krystyl was a very strong willed child but knowing her now... she has needed the will to get through. We have had some hard times but she is 19 now and emerging into a beautiful woman! She will always be my little girl though!

 

Another Wish for My List!

Oh Boy, what a wish. I would love to on this Scrap Cruise! Maybe one day when Im a teacher I can do it. Looking to the future! However, after that lady died on the cruise ship and what has been exposed... caution is a word to remember!
See the cruise info here:
http://www.scrapbooksandmore.com.au/store/home.php?cat=2036

Printing Creatively

I just found this at www.scrapjazz.com

http://www.scrapjazz.com/topics/Computer_Center/Printing/305.php

Its got some really good ideas about using your printer on different surfaces. Its a good read.

An Illusion or Life?

Is it an illusion or is just life? Yep its definately an illusion. I have had a hot bath, burnt some oil, and had a few Illusions and now Im feeling relaxed. I should make this a Friday night ritual... God knows I need something! I certainly cant get a man... so this is the next best thing! 

My next wish/want. I need this little critter!!! I have had a go at a shop demo, well that made me want it more. They dont hit Australia's shores until November... I will just have to wait. Have a look at it here... www.cricut.com

I cant wait to use it.

 

Happy Couple

I am so happy for Nicole! I hope she finds the happiness she deserves! Keith had better not break her heart! I wonder if Aussies will now embrace Keith's music? 

Toasted Sandwiches and Musk Sticks!

No... not together... hell NO!

I have my passion for toasted sandwiches again. Sadly without cheese... oh cheese how I miss you!!! but with ham, tomato and onion. Very simple little combination but oh my god... how I love it!!!

I have a maths exam tomorrow at 8.30am... Oh great who was the damn MAN (a woman wouldnt be so stupid!) who had that great thought!!! Megan, Janet and I are meeting at uni very shortly to go over this wonderful content that we will probably never teacher in a classroom! Reuben is in the car ready to go... he does surprise me some days, although he does love the uni library... he loves any library! Last night he ripped pages out of the local newspaper to cut articles out. I have no idea why but if he is reading its great. If he is reading local issues even better. Last night while we were playing Phase Ten (fab card game!!!) he demanded something and then stopped and said to me, "Mum that will get me know where... I learnt that at AQ (Autism Qld). There you go... it is affecting his thinking. Thank god!!!! I know it will help him but I also know it will take a while.

Anyway, now Im off to uni... see ya later baked potato!!!!

Kim

Semester almost over!

Well this first semester of 2006 is almost over. I have one more exam (maths) and 2 assessment pieces to hand in. I am so tired and SO over this year already. Prac was good but such an emotional rollercoaster! I really wanted put something here everyday but if I wasnt going lesson plans I was sleeping! This prac made me question my goal of becoming a teacher but I know that once I have my own class it will be so much better than being watched by a supervising teacher!