Its hard to cut the apron strings!

Today and yesterday have been difficult and overwhelmingly emotional rollercoasters. Yesterday, after months of deliberation, came to the final decision that Reuben needs to live with his dad. Well that was fine until the crunch... I just lost it. Sobbed like no one has sobbed before! I couldnt go through with it. I couldnt just let him go.

My friend Katrina came over last night and stayed until midnight talking with me. Showing me the great things that "might" come of this change for Reuben and I and Steve. Eventually, 1. Reuben and I will be able to have a positive relationship, like Krystyl and I do now. 2. This might help Steve turn around as a father and step up to the plate and wear the responsibility. So far so good, he is happy to have Reuben, he is even going to give him his bedroom. 3. Reuben will learn that he cant go on treating women badly. 4. I can start to find me again. I started this when I left steve, but have fallen backwards since Reuben has become difficult. There are many many reasons that will benefit us with this change but all I have been able to see is negatives. How easily, the negatives can creep in.

I found this poem today, it really means so many things...

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t mean security
you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
accepting your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child
and you learn to build all of your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
after awhile you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
and you learn
that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and that you really do have worth
- anonymous

I have printed it out and will laminate it to sit near my kitchen, maybe on the fridge.

I need to remember the 3 last things, I can endure... I am strong and I do have worth!

I love my boy and Im not really letting him go. Its just that he is sleeping in another bed in a house not too far away.

Anyway, thats me for now. Its been another emotional day and Im just worn out.

Bye...